Self Acceptance

Accepting myself and Lupus was the most difficult part of my life. When I was told that I will have Lupus for the rest of my life and that there is no cure for it created an incredible hole in my world. It created damaged to my self confidence and self esteem. It caused me great anger, devastation and frustration as a child. Why can't I play in the snow like other kids? MOM, why are my fingers and toes turning purple and blue? Why do I have to eat veggies? It led me into a deep depression and anxiety.  As a child living with Lupus, I didn't know what was going on with my body and my family didn't really know anything about lupus at that time. I didn't know why I was getting sick after eating McDonald's or why I was getting a headache every time I drink coca cola. I was a pretty healthy child. I was not only physically active but intellectually as well. I ran, I biked and and danced. I took ballet and art class.  Wrote for the school newspaper, participated in various enrichment clubs and activities. I became the President of Chinese club in high school. I played in the school orchestra and sang in choir.  But Lupus started taking a toll on my body year after year. I started missing classes because my body would not cooperate with me. I had frequent colds and fevers. The bed became my best friend and sleep was my best drug of choice. I was always at the school nurse's office. The ER became my transitional site. There were times I had to be hospitalized during middle and high school because of Lupus destruction. Lupus broke my body into pieces.  Every time I was attacked, I would write my anger away and then I always had a speedy recovery. I literally bounced back to my life again. The hospital became my second home but it was still not a fun place to be. I always had an emergency backpack ready at all times because I never know what will happen. I think I didn't fully accept Lupus until I was in my late 20s. I never really let Lupus define me as a person but it is a part of my life. After graduating with my masters in social work, I had a great flare that caused my muscles to weaken and fall to the ground. I thought to myself, "Not again?" And yet I thought I was Wonderwoman. I thought I had super powers to fight for love and justice?  I thought I was unstoppable and create peace and stop the war. I kept striving and kept going on with my life as any able person would. However, I had to tell myself to slow down. Calm down and trust in the process of life.  Learning how to accept Lupus takes a lot of patience. And I know it is a never ending battle.  Even today I have moments where I forget I have Lupus. The important message I learned is accepting that you are enough. You are smart. You are beautiful. You are safe. You are healthy. You are accepted no matter what. Don't worry about what others think. Worry about YOU. What you can do to keep yourself healthy not what others tell you. You are your own universe. These affirmations are not only powerful for the mind and body but if you say it and feel it and take action. It can be incredible!