Taming the Wolf in the Storm

Who am I? I am Laura Ng. But is Laura Ng my full identity? Am I just made up of letters? These are questions that constantly pop up in my mind. I will never forget that night in 1993 when the ambulance came and took me to the ER. Bright white lights shine through my eyes as if they were taking over my body.  My head was bleeding and people in white coats surrounded me.  After that, tests indicated a stroke affecting my right side of my brain.

When I woke up, I was told I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus; a severe form of lupus that affects all organs including the brain.  There is no cure for it. However, there are medications and lifestyle changes to help manage it says the doctor.  After hearing the news, my family and I were devastated, torn and didn't know what to do but listen to the doctors.  My family and I were in denial for many years and I lost faith and hope in myself. My identity was shattered into a million pieces. I felt broken, depressed and very sick of life. SLE and Depression took control over my life.  But you know what, the mind tends to play tricks and games with me. The brain is the most important organ in the body. It controls all the systems so if I took care of my brain and mind, my body will follow.  So I wrote every day and kept a journal. I wrote every chance I had because I notice I was forgetting things and important dates like birthdays, school events or doctor appointments. Brain fog or cognitive dysfunction is what the doctors called it. I did all my physical therapy exercise as instructed.  I remember growing up, I had to receive treatment at the hospital because I had constant flares every quarter at school. I was always at the school nurse’s office because I wasn’t feeling well. Every time I was at the hospital, I would bring my journal and write down everything. Write out my feelings of anger, frustration and relief.  Am I Lupus? Am I just a patient being researched? Why is my body not working? Why do my joints hurt? What was that doctor’s name again? This was not only a learning process but a challenge for me to try to remember everything. What’s going on??

After years of therapy and rebuilding myself, I discovered who I am. I reached out for support and found the Lupus Foundation of America. I checked out their website and found a range of information on education, research and advocacy. A new burst of energy just flowed through my body. The first thought that came to my mind, “How do I get involved? Wow, there's so much research on lupus!” So I attended the Lupus Support Group and found other Lupus Warriors like me who are facing the same challenges.  I attended the Walk to End Lupus Now last year for the first time and was shocked at the army of people who had lupus. In that moment,  I was inspired to take charge of not only my life but also advocate for others living with lupus. 

I am a proud to say that I am a first generation college graduate, a Chinese American woman,  an older sister, a granddaughter, a mentor, an advocate, a community organizer, a social worker, a peer, a survivor and a warrior. I may not be perfect but I am me.  We are so much more than our disease if we look within ourselves. We need to conquer our minds before the diseases conquer us. We are not lupus. We are not broken. We are not sick. We are warriors, not worriers.